What If Businesses With “Alpine” In Their Names Actually Meant It?

alpine: of, relating to, or growing in the biogeographic zone including the elevated slopes above timberline.

Every time I see a business with “alpine” in its name, I can’t help but wonder … What if they actually meant it? To answer that question in a weird thought experiment, I wrote sales pitches for five different local businesses, interpreting each of their names literally. Enjoy!

Alpine Ridge Construction Inc. – Seahurst, WA. Elevation: 262’ – Are you in the market for a new ridge? Don’t get ripped off by landscapers, let our glaciers carve one out for you! These highly trained masses of ice also specialize in constructing cols, arêtes, cirques, tarns, moraines, U-shaped valleys and kettle ponds. And don’t skip out on our sanding and boulder moving services. Call now for the glacier liquidation sale discount. This offer won’t last.

Alpine Refrigeration Systems – Everett, WA. Elevation 82’. Do away with your high-maintenance, expensive walk-in freezer and sign up for our eco-friendly Hike-In Freezer. Situated just above timberline high in Washington’s Cascades, our refrigeration is powered by naturally occurring, sub-zero temperatures and enhanced with WindChill™ Technology. Forget freezer burn and sign up for our rime ice, hoar frost and avalanche protection guarantee. Services are available from November 1 through March 31. Here at ARS, we refrigerate the natural way.

Alpine North Plumbing – Seattle, WA. Elevation: 80’ – If pooping in front of a breathtaking vista is as important to you as it is to us, you’ve come to the right place! Today is the day to bring your pit toilet into the 21st century and we want to help. Our composting alpine latrines are marmot proof and come pre-supplied with refreshingly frigid seats, dampened toilet paper, and 360’ ventilation for whatever your body makes of freeze dried meals. Do you also enjoy carrying your own poop? Order now and receive 100 complimentary WAG BAGS for when nature calls on summit day!

Alpine Tree Service Experts - Federal Way, WA. Elevation: 515’ – We’re here to straighten your lodgepoles, trim your whitebarks and reshape any krummholz growth patterns. Drowning in larch needles? We also provide full service composting work for extraneous plant matter. We know how long things take to biodegrade naturally up high. That’s why our team of highly trained mountain goats and friendly swiss gardeners are here to support you and your high altitude arboreal endeavors.

Alpine Recovery Services Inc. – Arlington, WA. Elevation: 115’ – Did you wake up at 2 a.m. this morning in order to climb for 16 hours straight? We’re here to set you right again. Reacclimate to low country civilization in style with a trip to Alpine Recovery Services. At this affordable luxury spa, you’ll receive unlimited coffee, 2,000 calorie meals, beer, and a comfortable bed where guests are encouraged to sleep for 13 hours straight. Our hallways are even equipped with a patented Hobbling Lane™. We cater to soreness and exhaustion. Book today!

And if you were wondering about the header photo…Yes, Alpine Pools Inc. is Western Pennsylvania’s No. 1 pool and spa dealer.

Photo by Dan Patitucci.