Bear Burrito
Take one tender backpacker and coat liberally with sweat and sunscreen. Stuff inside a sleeping bag. Leave the whole thing outside overnight. Hot sauce optional. See also: Cowboy Camping
Bear Piñata
Have you heard of the “PCT Hang,” where you carefully toss your food bag over a tree branch, then secure it with a rope, carabiner, and twig so that hungry bears can’t reach your precious cargo? Yeah, this.
Bearea
This is an area where bears live, obviously.
Bearmuda Triangle
If you’re camping in a bearea, it’s good practice to space out the distance between your tent, your camp kitchen, and your bear piñata. More importantly, this is where your bear canister disappears to if you don’t secure it properly overnight.
Bonus Miles
An affliction usually avoided by goal-minded thru-hikers. Example: “So it’s three non-PCT miles to check out a stunning alpine lake and/or amazing view and/or famous peak? No, thanks—I’m not interested in hiking any bonus miles.” (Important note: bonus miles are always valid if they will result in the hiker obtaining food as a reward.)
Christmas Toes
You’ve just hiked 2,650 miles—congratulations! For your efforts, you receive a lifetime’s worth of high fives, a treasure trove of memories, and a free set of kinda screwed up feet complete with a residual numbness in your toes that will last until the holidays!
Cowboy Camping
If the weather report reads crystal clear, go ahead and roll out your sleeping pad, fluff up your sleeping bag, and prepare to spend the night with nothing above your head other than the sparkling night sky. Just make sure you conveniently forget about scorpions. And tarantulas. And mountain lions. And definitely don’t remember that I told you that I know a guy who once woke up with a snoozing rattlesnake snuggled up against his warm abdomen.
Food Fantasies
This affliction sometimes hits day hikers, but becomes a near-obsession for backpackers, especially as the miles stretch on and the food bag grows lighter. I once spent thirty torturous minutes descending knee-busting switchbacks while debating the merits of various potato products with a fellow hiker. In case you’re wondering, tater tots were the clear winner. And no, I couldn’t find any at my next resupply stop. And yes, I might have teared up a little bit upon realizing that. See also: Hiker Hunger
Gram Weenie
There’s lightweight, there’s ultralight, and then there’s gram weenie territory. Those who fall under this category will do anything to achieve pack weight nirvana—they’re the types who create a spreadsheet detailing the weight of each item in their pack down to a tenth of gram, slice away nearly every cord and strap on their backpack until it’s practically naked, and aggressively file down their toothbrush until it looks kind of like a prison shiv.
Hiker Hunger
Sure, you’re probably a bit peckish after a day hike, but you don’t know the true depths of hunger until you’re a few weeks into a long-distance trek. There is no single food item, no one meal, no all-you-can-eat buffet that can satisfy the ravenous pangs of a thru-hiker’s calorie-deprived stomach. True story: I know hikers who got off trail, rented a car, drove to Vegas, spent several hours feasting at a casino all-you-can-eat buffet, only to get kicked out before they felt even mildly full.
Hiker Midnight
Yawn. It is 9 o’clock and no matter how many times you say you’re gonna stay up and stare at the night sky or chat with fellow hikers around the campfire, you are definitely tucked inside your bear burrito, fast asleep by the time hiker midnight rolls around.
Hiker Tan
This is like a farmer’s tan, but comprised primarily of dirt.
Packsplosion
Oh, do you need your water filter? Or your first aid kit? Or your headlamp? Right now? Silly hiker, you know it’s buried in the bottomless depths of your pack, so you’re going to need to unearth every single thing, including that damn bear canister you worked so hard to cram inside, until you find it.
Penalty Potatoes
Everyone has their own version of “penalty potatoes,” that one food you carry throughout your entire trip, but secretly hope you never have to eat. For some, it’s protein bars. For others, tuna packets. For me, it’s oatmeal, which went from “healthy breakfast staple” to “gelatinous concrete gut bomb that I hate with all of my being.” Good thing I packed plenty of it in every single resupply box one very sad summer!
Ray Way
Ray Jardine is widely considered to be a pioneer in ultralight hiking, especially given the popularity of his “Ray-Way” DIY gear kits. But what if you take ultralight a step beyond gear, and go the extra mile to make your body ultralight … by pooping? That’s right, you’ve gone and taken a Ray Way!
Second Breakfast
Once hiker hunger sets in, there’s no limit to the amount of meals you can consume in one day! Ate breakfast at 7 a.m., but feeling hangry at 10 a.m.? It’s time for second breakfast! Downed 1,000 calories of ramen at 5 p.m., but seriously considering slathering peanut butter on your own arm come 7 p.m.? Well, it’s time for second dinner!
Town Clothes
Town stops offer up the opportunity to wash your disgusting hiking clothes (which you should probably just burn at a certain point, honestly), but what to wear while you’re waiting at the laundromat? Many hikers sit around sweating uncomfortably in their rain clothes, which have a way of sticking to your skin in exactly the wrong places. Others scamper around wearing sundresses, shorts, and T-shirts they stashed in their pack or a resupply box—or raid the local thrift store for the cheapest, most garish outfits they can find. This is an excellent excuse to wear cotton without living in fear.
Town Gut
When hiker hunger and sudden availability cloud your judgment on quality and quantity of food consumed during a town stop, your digestive system will likely revolt. Case in point: my decision to eat not one, but two juicy cheeseburgers one afternoon during my second month on trail…despite having a sensitivity to gluten, and despite not having eaten red meat in many, many years. I may or may not have spent the entire next day on trail limping uncomfortably from cathole to cathole.
Tramily
These are the people you fall into a rhythm with on trail. You hike together, eat meals together, camp together, hitch rides together, and definitely talk about poop together. Your trail family. Awww.
Vitamin I
This is ibuprofen, sustainer of life.
Vortex
Hikers beware—the lure of town is very strong. The abundance of food! The free-flowing beverages! The flush toilets! The camaraderie of hostel life! Before you know it, days will have passed…and your strength, motivation, and wallet will be sapped.
Water Math
Pay very close attention in school, kids, because there will be a day when you are standing next to a spring or creek or lake, looking at your trail map or app while trying to guesstimate just how much water you need to make it to camp or the next source without carrying unnecessary weight. The most brilliant water mathematicians among us have their formulas down to a science and will happily gloat to anyone within earshot that they arrived at each source having just consumed their last drop.
Yogi
Do you know who is smarter than an average bear when it comes to procuring food from human beings? Backpackers. Rarely will the yogi say outright that they are hungry or that they want some food. Instead, they will linger in the vicinity, then strike up a casual conversation that may include saying things like: “What are you eating?” “Oh, gosh, that looks good!” “Boy, all I have left are a few Clif bars.” “Did you hear that? It sounded like a bear, but might have just been my stomach.” Then poof—like magic, they are now smiling and eating someone else’s food and their unwitting mark feels very, very good about helping a hungry hiker avoid starvation.